Empty promises

I thot him calling me would make me happy.  I was... until he said that Friday book out day and asked if i wanted to pick him up. So i said okay. Then he said that he could always meet me at night on Friday. 

Ah that's when i started to get upset. From all the empty and broken promises of last weekend, i no longer trust or have faith in what he says. I don't want to be hurt or disappointed. 

Imagine he said hes gonna meet me fri night.  So i hope and expect for 4 days. Then what if friday he suddenly cannot meet me? Why make promises you are not sure u can meet? Do u understand how i will feel if i expect for 4 days and end up disappointed? 

Its just like i say im gonna pick u up on friday.  So u feel happy for 4 days. And what if i cancel on u on friday? Maybe then ull understand what i mean.

I cannot ease my heart. It hurts so much right now after last weekend. I know u tried to make ammends for it. But it just wont be the same. Its like saying sorry after committing adultery. The heart is forever broken altho it can try to forgive and heal. It will never be the same. Its the same with faith and trust.  Once broken it will not be pieced back tgt the same way.

I can pretend not to think about it. But when something arises that has link to that issue, the whole situation arises and my heart tells me that i cannot trust you. The human heart and brain is very smart. It learns how to protect itself from hurt. And last weekend u did it to me like 3 times. U know, i just dont like last minute arrangements and after u did it to me so many times. I cant take it man.

Im trying not to be angry or disappointed with anything by not having any expectations. I guess my heart formed an outer shell by itself. To save itself from hurt after being so stupid. 

How? Tell me how i can trust again?  Maybe time will heal. I know right now ure hurting also and yes i know u don't mean for the things to happen. 

So please,  for mine and your sake. Please dont make me empty promises.  I don't even believe anymore.

I still love you definitely. But its so hard to do all this shit when i see u barely 10 hours a week. And when u mean so much to me that i take your promises in my heart so when u break it, It hurts extra lot.

What should i do? How do i control my heart? I just hope it gets better. Maybe its just raw right now.

I know uve had a tough weekend. And im just trying to be an understanding girlfriend.  But 3 times in a weekend is abit too much man.

Suay day. My depression is not getting any better.

What did I do today?

Okay lets see.  What did I do today? 
Woke up,  went to do routesetting with shuk at climbers lab then went to safra.  Was supposed to meet nino and aizan for dinner then they had some ec meeting dinner crap so I ended up just climbing.

Was an okay session I guess although I fell at the last tile of the white route and cut my thumb lol.  Spammed like 4 routes in a row after that.  Kama and khuz came as well. 

Climbed with shuk too he was spamming the overhang blue route Haha.  But then his finger pain so couldn't really climb.  Told him to go back and Ice it, seemed really bad.  Hope it gets Better uh!

Then went back to meet dex at pasir ris we went to west plaza for a massage! Did back massage plus foot reflex.  Was awesome although I swear the masseuse was trying to kill me.  It hurt like crap.  I felt like I was being choked out of my life while he pressed on my back.  Spent $43. Think tonight will sleep really well.

Dex passed me my bday present in advance.  Thanks! Someone's going Australia yo! Have an awesome trip.  Have fun and stay safe! :)

Okay training tml.  Am tired and shall head to bed.  Nights world.

Guys

Okay I know I said I wanna forget about trent.  But it's so hard and now that in not so obsessed like last time, i kinda feel that he's not a rebound but rather that I truly like him.  I think waheed was the "rebound" guy. I hung around with him abit but once I realized I liked trent I sorta stopped.  I just felt that it wasn't fair to the person I liked although we had nothing Haha. It's ironic what we can do for the sake of love Eh?

Sigh I hope Moses can get over his ex and start afresh especially when he goes to Canada in Aug . He deserves it man. It's been nice knowing him but sometimes he stalks me abit too much and care too much about what time I reach home macham my dad or older brother Haha.  I wish trent would care for me in that way lol. But he does care uh. like when we climb and if I get injured or sth he'll ask me if I'm ok etc Haha.  Aiyah he cares for me more like a normal friend than anyone special. 

I tried asking him out for dinner tonight lol.  He seemed to stall for time before telling me he couldn't make it. Not sure if he really had sth on our he just paiseh to reject me up front? He really is a man of mysteries and mixed feelings. Why can't he give me a direct answer! Just a yes I'm interested or no I don't see u that way  the nicer he treats me and the closer we get, the more I'm gonna be hurt in the end. .. trent please be more responsible and man up can? Why oh why do I have to fall for you? :(

Its awesome to have a crush because I'll secretly be happy and my heart beats like mad when I anticipate seeing him or when I actually see him haha.  He sorta gives me strength for now in climbing haha. If he rejects me I think he'll be a source of sadness but at least I can move on uh.

Trent, what are you actually thinking? It's really Okay if u have no interest in me but I wanna know so life can go on. It's so hard to be left hanging and not knowing.  And feeling like an idiot waiting for your text àhhhh. But these few days he's been pretty receptive Haha. Doesn't reply all but still will reply me somewhat.  Better than last time. So seems like we're closer, but maybe as friends? Idk uh Cos he still seems to gay with ky abit too much lol. 

like Moses wanted to go prawning sat night so iinvited him along them he asked me to ask ky to go lol. It's like they're attached to each other uh. anyway ky don't wanna go, haven't told him that lol. . if I tell him I think he don't want to go liao lor. Sad case. Of course I want him to go do I can see him la but then I also need his help In pprawning Haha. 

Noooo don't think so much. It's not healthy to fantasize so much about him lol. stupid shuk keep planting impure thoughts in my head Haha. 

sigh! Nvm Here's a picture of my first ever human flag! Shoulder hurts like crap Haha but it was fun. Hope shuk's fingers recover soon. 

Training Tml.  Must send my yellow in the left wall! :) Allez Janet! Okay impure thoughts only when I sleep ok? Hehe.  Lol I keep thinking of kissing him haha. and how I want to hold his hand when we're walking lol. I don't dare la. Too much at stake. 

Clarke quay adventure

Went out with shuk yesterday evening after class to do some girl hunting haha. We went to eat ice cream at haato & co, not bad but I think I like gelare better. Next was hooters. That one the most awesome. Alot of girls in hot oranges shorts. Hahaha. Shuk kept staring at their butt and commenting. We ate some beef fondue and chicken wings. I drank hooegarden. So fun.

We chatted alot. Learnt alot about him. Hahaha. I guess everyone has a diff life from what they are now. But im happy that he's happier now I guess. It's just operation "find shuk a gf". Haha. Then we just sat at the riverside and chatted. Then we missed last train haha. I took bus back but he took a cab lol.

Went out Trent in the afternoon to buy his 5.10 shoes. He bought arrowhead in the end. Slight downturned shoes. He seemed quite happy with his new "stash" haha. Oh and he bought a rope curler to clean the rope sheath. We went to ikea to hunt for a poingpoing basket haha for the rope. Got the items. Not bad la managed to buy the stuff. He damn evil lor kept on disturbing me abt my lack of "general knowledge" lol. Then keep being sarcastic. Haha. But in his own way la. Sometimes I just want to kill him also haha. But I really like spending time with him. It's ok, im just trying to appreciate what I have. Of what time I have with him. And I told shuk! Lol.

What happens in hooters stays in hooters!

Sad didnt get to take pics with trent on our shopping adventure. I would have liked that he looked so suave in his dress shirt. Haha.

Had a presentation at school after that. We cabbed down from ikea to my school. Lucky nat came late so I could work on my stuff. Now just left with submission. 4 submissions. Confirm now no mood do la. After cny must chiong.

Today is my last day at safra. Nostalgic. But I know there's many more great things to come. Im content. Gonna pack my stuff from office and I think waheed is gonna help me drive my stuff home. Gonna head over the cat's new place to crash for the night and uhm cny countdown haha.

Feel quite satisfied I guess. Just thst I couldn't wake up today. And I woke with a dysfunctional brain. Thanks lor.