Onsight today

Birthday in 1.5 hours. Dont feel anything lol. Feels rather numb about everything.  Like I cant feel or bother to take action on stuff. its like I see it but don't find enough strength or will to help or do anything.  Okay maybe im not making any sense.

Went to onsight today.  First training for sp. Alot to work on. Must formulate a training plan for them.  Sth for them to work on. Sigh.  Allezzzzz. I need to find my motivation and passion? Or I just feel too stressed about having to keep up my namesake that it hurts. Like if I cannot do this certain route or move, pple will b like "see, open women also cannot do."

I know its the truth. Im sorry im just not strong enough. im sorry I cannot live up to your expectations. It fucking hurts. I dont like to climb in crowds. I like to climb in small groups.  2-3 pple. Im satisfied.  Os is the exact opposite of what I like. Too many pple too big crowd.  Too many familiar faces. Maybe im just scared of failure. 

Failure? It's what makes us stronger.  Im gonna b stronger. I need to erase my dependency.  Im stumped for words and zoning out a bit too much.  Im not who I was. I need to buck up.

Seriously.  Coach.

I hate this. Every one thinks im like super happy and blessed right.  Well its not always what it seems kay.

I want an escape route. Dig a hole. Disappear. Sigh. Life is so harsh.  Nothing ever seems enough.