Omg why I feel so stressed.  :(
Too worried about money.  Need to work more. And save up more. My gosh. 

Onsight today

Birthday in 1.5 hours. Dont feel anything lol. Feels rather numb about everything.  Like I cant feel or bother to take action on stuff. its like I see it but don't find enough strength or will to help or do anything.  Okay maybe im not making any sense.

Went to onsight today.  First training for sp. Alot to work on. Must formulate a training plan for them.  Sth for them to work on. Sigh.  Allezzzzz. I need to find my motivation and passion? Or I just feel too stressed about having to keep up my namesake that it hurts. Like if I cannot do this certain route or move, pple will b like "see, open women also cannot do."

I know its the truth. Im sorry im just not strong enough. im sorry I cannot live up to your expectations. It fucking hurts. I dont like to climb in crowds. I like to climb in small groups.  2-3 pple. Im satisfied.  Os is the exact opposite of what I like. Too many pple too big crowd.  Too many familiar faces. Maybe im just scared of failure. 

Failure? It's what makes us stronger.  Im gonna b stronger. I need to erase my dependency.  Im stumped for words and zoning out a bit too much.  Im not who I was. I need to buck up.

Seriously.  Coach.

I hate this. Every one thinks im like super happy and blessed right.  Well its not always what it seems kay.

I want an escape route. Dig a hole. Disappear. Sigh. Life is so harsh.  Nothing ever seems enough. 

What did I do today?

Okay lets see.  What did I do today? 
Woke up,  went to do routesetting with shuk at climbers lab then went to safra.  Was supposed to meet nino and aizan for dinner then they had some ec meeting dinner crap so I ended up just climbing.

Was an okay session I guess although I fell at the last tile of the white route and cut my thumb lol.  Spammed like 4 routes in a row after that.  Kama and khuz came as well. 

Climbed with shuk too he was spamming the overhang blue route Haha.  But then his finger pain so couldn't really climb.  Told him to go back and Ice it, seemed really bad.  Hope it gets Better uh!

Then went back to meet dex at pasir ris we went to west plaza for a massage! Did back massage plus foot reflex.  Was awesome although I swear the masseuse was trying to kill me.  It hurt like crap.  I felt like I was being choked out of my life while he pressed on my back.  Spent $43. Think tonight will sleep really well.

Dex passed me my bday present in advance.  Thanks! Someone's going Australia yo! Have an awesome trip.  Have fun and stay safe! :)

Okay training tml.  Am tired and shall head to bed.  Nights world.

Meaningless

Sometimes I feel as though everything is meaningless and that I'm wasting my time struggling as a human living in this works and trying to go about in my life.

Why?  What for?  We all eventually die one day.  Why struggle and fight so much for?  When it is all meaningless in the end.

Just suddenly feel very tired Of everything. Maybe I just need a break.  A break from everything. 

I feel like just pitching everything away. And just drift to nowhere and live a recluse life where no one can find me. And I'll b there just living life by myself,  exploring the wilds, reading my book,  writing my next novel and going food hunting.

No stress about school,  work,  or climbing.

I need a break or escape from this all. 

Re blog

Just remembered that I still have an active blog that's not too outdated.  So I guess I'll try update this in pieces to keep my sanity.  :)