Why are Humans so stupid? Always giving expectations of others and end up feeling disappointed and unwanted.
Please don't make me wait anymore or shower me with empty promises. It hurts. I have homework to do and a comp tml. I stil have to be there for my kids tml morning.
Do whatever u need to. Just leave me alone for now. Unreliable.
I guess i only post when im feeling shitty or having a shitty Day? I feel like crap today i guess.
Stress from school, climbing comps, work etc. Cant handle. I suddenly feel very overwhelmed. Like too much to handle.
My finger hurts from climbing. Was supposed to be leading then end up rain so i bouldered instead. Then finger pain like siao. Cant latch on anything. Today is really just one bad day all in. Somemore i have obc in 2 days. Its like i feel the despair right before the comp. Now i just feel like quitting everything.
Stressed from school assignments and not being able to meet my bf as well. I feel so sian. I just wanna curl up in bed and rest. Like and worry about nothing... Not going to work tho. Life sucks take drugs? Haven't heard that phrase in so long.
I need my hug and my bed. And a miracle.
Down with fever, flu and cough. 38.5 deg fever, can't seem to rmr when was the last time o was so sick and for so long.
I miss climbing. Hope I get well soon. Doesn't help that my own bf is shitting me. Like today we went to climb asia tgt then in the end I decided not to climb becos I felt unwell. So i just asked him to climb lor and I just sat there for 2 hours. With an ice pack over my head and 38.5 deg fever. u know what? He kept asking me if I was tired. Which part of fever don't u understand? I'm not tired, I'm SICK. waiting for him was okay cos its my choice in the end, but then he came and say to me, "why u never come see me do this route? I told you I was gonna try it."
Woah. I just replied "you didn't tell me when u went to try the route uh." I was fucking lying there with a fever and Ice pack to acc u and all u ask me is that.
I was really really pissed actually. But I just sucked it up. He also wasn't feeling that good today so i didn't want to say much. U know, that 2 hours was pure torture. I wanted to go home and rest properly. But I chose top stay with u. And this is what I get.
Lol. Fml.
Birthday in 1.5 hours. Dont feel anything lol. Feels rather numb about everything. Like I cant feel or bother to take action on stuff. its like I see it but don't find enough strength or will to help or do anything. Okay maybe im not making any sense.
Went to onsight today. First training for sp. Alot to work on. Must formulate a training plan for them. Sth for them to work on. Sigh. Allezzzzz. I need to find my motivation and passion? Or I just feel too stressed about having to keep up my namesake that it hurts. Like if I cannot do this certain route or move, pple will b like "see, open women also cannot do."
I know its the truth. Im sorry im just not strong enough. im sorry I cannot live up to your expectations. It fucking hurts. I dont like to climb in crowds. I like to climb in small groups. 2-3 pple. Im satisfied. Os is the exact opposite of what I like. Too many pple too big crowd. Too many familiar faces. Maybe im just scared of failure.
Failure? It's what makes us stronger. Im gonna b stronger. I need to erase my dependency. Im stumped for words and zoning out a bit too much. Im not who I was. I need to buck up.
Seriously. Coach.
I hate this. Every one thinks im like super happy and blessed right. Well its not always what it seems kay.
I want an escape route. Dig a hole. Disappear. Sigh. Life is so harsh. Nothing ever seems enough.
Okay lets see. What did I do today?
Woke up, went to do routesetting with shuk at climbers lab then went to safra. Was supposed to meet nino and aizan for dinner then they had some ec meeting dinner crap so I ended up just climbing.
Was an okay session I guess although I fell at the last tile of the white route and cut my thumb lol. Spammed like 4 routes in a row after that. Kama and khuz came as well.
Climbed with shuk too he was spamming the overhang blue route Haha. But then his finger pain so couldn't really climb. Told him to go back and Ice it, seemed really bad. Hope it gets Better uh!
Then went back to meet dex at pasir ris we went to west plaza for a massage! Did back massage plus foot reflex. Was awesome although I swear the masseuse was trying to kill me. It hurt like crap. I felt like I was being choked out of my life while he pressed on my back. Spent $43. Think tonight will sleep really well.
Dex passed me my bday present in advance. Thanks! Someone's going Australia yo! Have an awesome trip. Have fun and stay safe! :)
Okay training tml. Am tired and shall head to bed. Nights world.
Sometimes I feel as though everything is meaningless and that I'm wasting my time struggling as a human living in this works and trying to go about in my life.
Why? What for? We all eventually die one day. Why struggle and fight so much for? When it is all meaningless in the end.
Just suddenly feel very tired Of everything. Maybe I just need a break. A break from everything.
I feel like just pitching everything away. And just drift to nowhere and live a recluse life where no one can find me. And I'll b there just living life by myself, exploring the wilds, reading my book, writing my next novel and going food hunting.
No stress about school, work, or climbing.
I need a break or escape from this all.
