Open communication

Its liked i have mixed feelings.  I miss you so when u call me i feel happy.  But at the corner of my heart,  it hurts. It cannot erase what has happened.  So when i talk to u i start to feel upset and depressed. I dont really want to talk too much abt this cos i know ure stressed in camp also.

But i wanna have communication with u and tell u how i feel. Thats how couples shd be right?  Open communication. 

But its not like i have time to talk to you abt all this depressing stuff. When i do get to meet you,  i just want to enjoy the time i have with you becos its alr so limited.  I dont really wanna talk abt all this shit.

Empty promises

I thot him calling me would make me happy.  I was... until he said that Friday book out day and asked if i wanted to pick him up. So i said okay. Then he said that he could always meet me at night on Friday. 

Ah that's when i started to get upset. From all the empty and broken promises of last weekend, i no longer trust or have faith in what he says. I don't want to be hurt or disappointed. 

Imagine he said hes gonna meet me fri night.  So i hope and expect for 4 days. Then what if friday he suddenly cannot meet me? Why make promises you are not sure u can meet? Do u understand how i will feel if i expect for 4 days and end up disappointed? 

Its just like i say im gonna pick u up on friday.  So u feel happy for 4 days. And what if i cancel on u on friday? Maybe then ull understand what i mean.

I cannot ease my heart. It hurts so much right now after last weekend. I know u tried to make ammends for it. But it just wont be the same. Its like saying sorry after committing adultery. The heart is forever broken altho it can try to forgive and heal. It will never be the same. Its the same with faith and trust.  Once broken it will not be pieced back tgt the same way.

I can pretend not to think about it. But when something arises that has link to that issue, the whole situation arises and my heart tells me that i cannot trust you. The human heart and brain is very smart. It learns how to protect itself from hurt. And last weekend u did it to me like 3 times. U know, i just dont like last minute arrangements and after u did it to me so many times. I cant take it man.

Im trying not to be angry or disappointed with anything by not having any expectations. I guess my heart formed an outer shell by itself. To save itself from hurt after being so stupid. 

How? Tell me how i can trust again?  Maybe time will heal. I know right now ure hurting also and yes i know u don't mean for the things to happen. 

So please,  for mine and your sake. Please dont make me empty promises.  I don't even believe anymore.

I still love you definitely. But its so hard to do all this shit when i see u barely 10 hours a week. And when u mean so much to me that i take your promises in my heart so when u break it, It hurts extra lot.

What should i do? How do i control my heart? I just hope it gets better. Maybe its just raw right now.

I know uve had a tough weekend. And im just trying to be an understanding girlfriend.  But 3 times in a weekend is abit too much man.

Suay day. My depression is not getting any better.

Humans are stupid

Why are Humans so stupid?  Always giving expectations of others and end up feeling disappointed and unwanted.

Please don't make me wait anymore or shower me with empty promises.  It hurts.  I have homework to do and a comp tml.  I stil have to be there for my kids tml morning. 

Do whatever u need to.  Just leave me alone for now.  Unreliable. 

Shitty day

I guess i only post when im feeling shitty or having a shitty Day?  I feel like crap today i guess.

Stress from school,  climbing comps,  work etc.  Cant handle. I suddenly feel very overwhelmed. Like too much to handle. 

My finger hurts from climbing. Was supposed to be leading then end up rain so i bouldered instead.  Then finger pain like siao. Cant latch on anything. Today is really just one bad day all in.  Somemore i have obc in 2 days.  Its like i feel the despair right before the comp.  Now i just feel like quitting everything. 

Stressed from school assignments and not being able to meet my bf as well. I feel so sian.  I just wanna curl up in bed and rest.  Like and worry about nothing... Not going to work tho.  Life sucks take drugs?  Haven't heard that phrase in so long. 

I need my hug and my bed. And a miracle.

Sick

Down with fever,  flu and cough. 38.5 deg fever,  can't seem to rmr when was the last time o was so sick and for so long. 

I miss climbing.  Hope I get well soon.  Doesn't help that my own bf is shitting me. Like today we went to climb asia tgt then in the end I decided not to climb becos I felt unwell.  So i just asked him to climb lor and I just sat there for 2 hours.  With an ice pack over my head and 38.5 deg fever.  u know what? He kept asking me if I was tired.  Which part of fever don't u understand?  I'm not tired,  I'm SICK.  waiting for him was okay cos its my choice in the end,  but then he came and say to me,  "why u never come see me do this route?  I told you I was gonna try it."
Woah. I just replied "you didn't tell me when u went to try the route uh." I was fucking lying there with a fever and Ice pack to acc u and all u ask me is that. 

I was really really pissed actually.  But I just sucked it up. He also wasn't feeling that good today so i didn't want to say much.  U know, that 2 hours was pure torture. I wanted to go home and rest properly. But I chose top stay with u. And this is what I get.

Lol.  Fml.

Omg why I feel so stressed.  :(
Too worried about money.  Need to work more. And save up more. My gosh. 

Onsight today

Birthday in 1.5 hours. Dont feel anything lol. Feels rather numb about everything.  Like I cant feel or bother to take action on stuff. its like I see it but don't find enough strength or will to help or do anything.  Okay maybe im not making any sense.

Went to onsight today.  First training for sp. Alot to work on. Must formulate a training plan for them.  Sth for them to work on. Sigh.  Allezzzzz. I need to find my motivation and passion? Or I just feel too stressed about having to keep up my namesake that it hurts. Like if I cannot do this certain route or move, pple will b like "see, open women also cannot do."

I know its the truth. Im sorry im just not strong enough. im sorry I cannot live up to your expectations. It fucking hurts. I dont like to climb in crowds. I like to climb in small groups.  2-3 pple. Im satisfied.  Os is the exact opposite of what I like. Too many pple too big crowd.  Too many familiar faces. Maybe im just scared of failure. 

Failure? It's what makes us stronger.  Im gonna b stronger. I need to erase my dependency.  Im stumped for words and zoning out a bit too much.  Im not who I was. I need to buck up.

Seriously.  Coach.

I hate this. Every one thinks im like super happy and blessed right.  Well its not always what it seems kay.

I want an escape route. Dig a hole. Disappear. Sigh. Life is so harsh.  Nothing ever seems enough.