Open communication

Its liked i have mixed feelings.  I miss you so when u call me i feel happy.  But at the corner of my heart,  it hurts. It cannot erase what has happened.  So when i talk to u i start to feel upset and depressed. I dont really want to talk too much abt this cos i know ure stressed in camp also.

But i wanna have communication with u and tell u how i feel. Thats how couples shd be right?  Open communication. 

But its not like i have time to talk to you abt all this depressing stuff. When i do get to meet you,  i just want to enjoy the time i have with you becos its alr so limited.  I dont really wanna talk abt all this shit.

Empty promises

I thot him calling me would make me happy.  I was... until he said that Friday book out day and asked if i wanted to pick him up. So i said okay. Then he said that he could always meet me at night on Friday. 

Ah that's when i started to get upset. From all the empty and broken promises of last weekend, i no longer trust or have faith in what he says. I don't want to be hurt or disappointed. 

Imagine he said hes gonna meet me fri night.  So i hope and expect for 4 days. Then what if friday he suddenly cannot meet me? Why make promises you are not sure u can meet? Do u understand how i will feel if i expect for 4 days and end up disappointed? 

Its just like i say im gonna pick u up on friday.  So u feel happy for 4 days. And what if i cancel on u on friday? Maybe then ull understand what i mean.

I cannot ease my heart. It hurts so much right now after last weekend. I know u tried to make ammends for it. But it just wont be the same. Its like saying sorry after committing adultery. The heart is forever broken altho it can try to forgive and heal. It will never be the same. Its the same with faith and trust.  Once broken it will not be pieced back tgt the same way.

I can pretend not to think about it. But when something arises that has link to that issue, the whole situation arises and my heart tells me that i cannot trust you. The human heart and brain is very smart. It learns how to protect itself from hurt. And last weekend u did it to me like 3 times. U know, i just dont like last minute arrangements and after u did it to me so many times. I cant take it man.

Im trying not to be angry or disappointed with anything by not having any expectations. I guess my heart formed an outer shell by itself. To save itself from hurt after being so stupid. 

How? Tell me how i can trust again?  Maybe time will heal. I know right now ure hurting also and yes i know u don't mean for the things to happen. 

So please,  for mine and your sake. Please dont make me empty promises.  I don't even believe anymore.

I still love you definitely. But its so hard to do all this shit when i see u barely 10 hours a week. And when u mean so much to me that i take your promises in my heart so when u break it, It hurts extra lot.

What should i do? How do i control my heart? I just hope it gets better. Maybe its just raw right now.

I know uve had a tough weekend. And im just trying to be an understanding girlfriend.  But 3 times in a weekend is abit too much man.

Suay day. My depression is not getting any better.